Little Girl Lost

On this path let the heart be your guide for the body is hesitant and full of fear.

Rumi

Last weekend I went to my college reunion and it like many reunions was a time of reflection on the journey,  a time to look back on days gone by and dreams once had and of course measures of success and failures....

Regrets? I had more than a few, but my biggest regret was that I was single and alone and apparently to my estimation had definitely made the wrong choice in a mate way back then. Not that I hadn't thought so a thousand times before this, but as I admired the couples who had met in college, married, raised families, lived in nice homes with white picket fences and drove nice SUV's and took real vacations to nice places and most of all loved and supported one another and were each others best friends all these years The point was driven home with crystal clarity, I had really missed out  and lost my chance for what I had always wanted. But still, it was a choice I made for myself, or rather a series of choices I made for myself that lead to my demise, the loss or my dream, the alternate reality that I had created for myself. And here I was 52 yrs old, 30 years later, and there was no one left to blame for this than me. Sure my childhood traumas and my verbally abusive, emotionally unavailable and narcissistic mother had lead me down a path of insecurity. A path that led me to an abusive, alcoholic, emotionally scarred husband, and then to a man-child of a boyfriend after my divorce who chose time and again to go off and play with the boys rather than spend time with me. But still, it was I who made those life choices, I had other options...

But I have done the healing and the energy work and the countless hours of therapy, I made peace with my mother before she died, forgave my husband after he went to jail and before he died and had set my boyfriend free to find someone more suited to his chosen man-child lifestyle, someone who would rather he go play then spend time with her. No, there really was no excuse anymore.... But yet here I was still alone, still afraid of the thing I crave the most still holding everyone at arms length and still freezing up if a guy I liked said anything remotely flirty to me. Case in point: back in college there was a guy who came to school that I had a crush on from the moment I laid eyes on him. One of my good guy friends had always tried to help us get together, and he did hang out with me a few times, till one night at an open dorm party we got really drunk and started making out and ended up in my bed. But when he wanted to take it further I stopped him, because I was scared, because I was still a virgin and I wasn't mentally ready for that yet. He took that as me not really liking him as he stayed a friend but never tried anything further, me I was too afraid to tell him I was a still a virgin as I was embarrassed about that. I held onto it till the ripe old age of 21! and only then did it on a dare but it was with the man I ended up marrying.

Anyway.....here we are at this reunion and he came around and talked to me quite a bit and was quick to inform me that he was divorced too. This made me happy and it got my mental wheels turning....and then...my stupidity reared its ugly head. He said something flirty to me, and I froze solid, didn't say anything didn't do anything just froze....and the moment passed. I've had this problem with men ever since I stopped drinking and smoking weed. I freeze up. I don't know why it's not like I was ever abused or mistreated or that I don't like physical intimacy. Heck I love physical intimacy so much that my drive has always been way more than my boyfriends. And its not like I have any moral code against it either, so long as the guy knows me enough to be a friend he can be my lover too if we both feel like it. But no I froze, and I felt like as ass and there was no recovering it either. Later in the evening he was sitting alone so I went over to talk but then some other woman came near him and I made a quick retreat. And who knows if he even meant anything by that comment, but the point of the matter was that I was acting more like a scarred little girl than the confident grown woman I thought that I was. It was upsetting and then some.....

I recalled too how I almost hadn't gone there, I was supposed to share a hotel room with my old sorority pledge sister, she was going to hang with a group that was headed by an old friend who was not speaking to me because of differing political beliefs. She had wanted to get me invited to "all the good parties" but he swore to cause a scene if I showed up and I know him well enough to know he certainly would and I said it was fine I didn't need to go and I meant it....then she suddenly remembered she couldn't sleep with someone who snores. I got testy and decided to not go at all. I was happy to have a staycation and not deal with the drama But then one of my old college friends called me and he and his wife insisted on driving to my place to get me and put my room on his credit card. I would have said no but I had been having dreams about going and that people were glad to see me, particularly this one guy and it turned out to be so. It was good to see people who loved and cared about me and good to hear some say good things about my ex-husband too. I didn't need to tell them what he had gone to jail for or how much he drank and abused me, I just told him he had died and I got loads of compassion and it felt respectable to me.

But anyway back to me, in talking to old friends one reminded me of this pot bellied teddy bear I had in college and how they used to tease me about it and kidnap it and dress it up. His name was whatever current crush I had and yes, on occasion, I was known to sleep with it. I wished for a moment I still had that teddy bear to cuddle but I digress.....one thing I did totally realize that despite everything I was still this frighted girl when it came to men and love. It made me recall what one of my friends had written about me when I had posted my homework assignment to facebook. I asked my friends to help describe the kind of man they thought I needed based on what they knew of me. This is what she said: 

This is what I know about Cassie.....Cassie needs a lot of attention emotionally, physically and spiritually. Cassie needs a communicator because Cassie likes to talk. Cassie needs someone emotionally evolved because she has very deep feelings and she doesn't hold a grudge when she feels safe. Cassie needs someone who doesn't take life too seriously because Cassie laughs at the irony of our experiences. Cassie needs someone who has strong shoulders on which she can depend because if Cassie says she is going to do something, she does it. Cassie needs someone who is very sentimental because Cassie is super duper out of this world sentimental. Cassie needs someone who is in touch with their child within because Cassie is a little girl in a woman's body. Cassie needs someone who can understand why she will cry at the drop of a pin and then start to laugh at herself. And lastly Cassie needs someone who understands destiny and a soul connection (but they can't be as far gone as Cassie and talk to twigs and stones). (Cassie is probably crying right now, that sentimental sappy little girl).

At the time I had agreed on all she said except for the part about be being a little girl in a woman's body. I had suffered much, I had been through many a trial, I had raised two sons alone and gotten through it all....but all my energy had been on survival. It was no wonder that the only man I had let in all these 15 yrs of singlehood since my divorce was a little boy living in a man's body. But even that had not satisified my yearnings for real lasting mature love....yep this small town girl really has lived in a lonely world, a lonely world of my own making, hiding out under the kitchen table waiting for someone to come find me and love me and tell me it's ok.

But that's not going to happen, that's not how life works. It's time for me to put on my big girl pants and be brave enough to set out to grow up, move on, quit being so frightened and be ready for what I've always wanted.........LOVE.

What about you? Are you up for the journey in your own life? What's stopping YOU?

With Love and in the Light, Cassie