Thursday, April 20, 2023

American is Dying

 





Sobering; Worth the Read

Wherever you stand, please take the time to read this; it ought to scare the beejeebers out of you!
We know Dick Lamm as Governor of Colorado .. In that context his thoughts are particularly poignant. Last week there was an immigration overpopulation conference in Washington, DC, filled to capacity by many of America's finest minds and leaders. A brilliant college professor by the name of Victor Davis Hanson talked about his latest book, 'Mexifornia,' explaining how immigration - both legal and illegal was destroying the entire state of California. He said it would march across the country until it destroyed all vestiges of The American Dream.
Moments later, former Colorado Governor Richard D. Lamm stood up and gave a stunning speech on how to destroy America.
The audience sat spellbound as he described eight methods for the destruction of the United States. He said, 'If you believe that America is too smug, too self-satisfied, too rich, then let's destroy America. It is not that hard to do. No nation in history has survived the ravages of time. Arnold Toynbee observed that all great civilizations rise and fall and that 'An autopsy of history would show that all great nations commit suicide.''
'Here is how they do it,' Lamm said:
'First, to destroy America, turn America into a bilingual or multi-lingual and bicultural country... History shows that no nation can survive the tension, conflict, and antagonism of two or more competing languages and cultures. It is a blessing for an individual to be bilingual; however, it is a curse for a society to be bilingual. The historical scholar, Seymour Lipset, put it this way: 'The histories of bilingual and bicultural societies that do not assimilate are histories of turmoil, tension, and tragedy.' Canada , Belgium , Malaysia , and Lebanon all face crises of national existence in which minorities press for autonomy , if not independence. Pakistan and Cyprus have divided. Nigeria suppressed an ethnic rebellion. France faces difficulties with Basques, Bretons, Corsicans and Muslims.'
Lamm went on:
'Second, to destroy America, invent 'multiculturalism' and encourage immigrants to maintain their culture. Make it an article of belief that all cultures are equal; that there are no cultural differences. Make it an article of faith that the Black and Hispanic dropout rates are due solely to prejudice and discrimination by the majority. Every other explanation is out of bounds.
'Third, we could make the United States an 'Hispanic Quebec' without much effort. The key is to celebrate diversity rather than unity. As Benjamin Schwarz said in the Atlantic Monthly recently: 'The apparent success of our own multi-ethnic and multicultural experiment might have been achieved not by tolerance but by hegemony. Without the dominance that once dictated ethnocentricy and what it meant to be an American, we are left with only tolerance and pluralism to hold us together.' Lamm said, 'I would encourage all immigrants to keep their own language and culture. I would replace the melting pot metaphor with the salad bowl metaphor. It is important to ensure that we have various cultural subgroups living in America enforcing their differences rather than as Americans, emphasizing their similarities.'
'Fourth, I would make our fastest growing demographic group the least educated. I would add a second underclass, unassimilated, undereducated, and antagonistic to our population. I would have this second underclass have a 50% dropout rate from high school.
'My fifth point for destroying America would be to get big foundations and business to give these efforts lots of money. I would invest in ethnic identity, and I would establish the cult of 'Victimology...' I would get all minorities to think that their lack of success was the fault of the majority. I would start a grievance industry blaming all minority failure on the majority.'
'My sixth plan for America's downfall would include dual citizenship, and promote divided loyalties. I would celebrate diversity over unity. I would stress differences rather than similarities. Diverse people worldwide are mostly engaged in hating each other - that is, when they are not killing each other. A diverse, peaceful, or stable society is against most historical precept. People undervalue the unity it takes to keep a nation together. Look at the ancient Greeks. The Greeks believed that they belonged to the same race; they possessed a common language and literature; and they worshiped the same gods. All Greece took part in the Olympic games. A common enemy, Persia, threatened their liberty. Yet all these bonds were not strong enough to overcome two factors: local patriotism and geographical conditions that nurtured political divisions. Greece fell. 'E. Pluribus Unum' -- From many, one. In that historical reality, if we put the emphasis on the 'pluribus' instead of the 'Unum,' we will 'Balkanize' America as surely as Kosovo.'
'Next to last, I would place all subjects off limits. Make it taboo to talk about anything against the cult of 'diversity.' I would find a word similar to 'heretic' in the 16th century - that stopped discussion and paralyzed thinking. Words like 'racist' or 'xenophobe' halt discussion and debate. Having made America a bilingual/bicultural country, having established multi-cultum, having the large foundations fund the doctrine of 'Victimology,' I would next make it impossible to enforce our immigration laws. I would develop a mantra: That because immigration has been good for America , it must always be good. I would make every individual immigrant symmetric and ignore the cumulative impact of millions of them.'
In the last minute of his speech, Governor Lamm wiped his brow. Profound silence followed. Finally he said, 'Lastly, I would censor Victor Davis Hanson's book 'Mexifornia.' His book is dangerous. It exposes the plan to destroy America. If you feel America deserves to be destroyed, don't read that book.'
There was no applause. A chilling fear quietly rose like an ominous cloud above every attendee at the conference. Every American in that room knew that everything Lamm enumerated was proceeding methodically, quietly, darkly, yet pervasively across the United States today. Discussion is being suppressed. Over 100 languages are ripping the foundation of our educational system and national cohesiveness. Even barbaric cultures that practice female genital mutilation are growing as we celebrate 'diversity.' American jobs are vanishing into the Third World as corporations create a Third World in America Take note of California and other states. To date, ten million illegal aliens and growing fast. It is reminiscent of George Orwell's book '1984..' In that story, three slogans are engraved in the Ministry of Truth building: 'War is peace,' 'Freedom is slavery,' and 'Ignorance is strength..'
Governor Lamm walked back to his seat. It dawned on everyone at the conference that our nation and the future of this great democracy is deeply in trouble and worsening fast. If we don't get this immigration monster stopped within three years, it will rage like a California wildfire and destroy everything in its path, especially The American Dream.
If you care for and love our country as I do, take the time to copy/paste and pass this on just as I did for you.

All reaction

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Beautiful


I haven't written a blog post in quite sometime now, there are a few reasons for that. One, my life has been pretty routine and not too passion filled that I felt I had anything worthy to write about that anyone else would care to hear about. If you read my earlier Cassie's Path series  you know I went through quite an intense few years there awhile back, and heck it was time for me to relax some...and well......I kinda thought I had learned all I really needed to learn, all the biggies anyway and I have spent a great deal of time teaching and helping others from the lessons I learned. I had evolved quite a bit and by golly I deserved peace in my old age, nor more work! I have after all turned 55, an official senior citizen, eligible to eat off the senior menu in many an establishment.. LOL

But I digress....on with the message that I wish to share today. A message on how to be beautiful.. I am a person who has always had a weight issue. The main reason being is when I was born my mother went into a a bit of a nervous break down the day I was born as my father left her and went to law school and never looked back (they were not married and I was born in 1960).....Anyway....she lay and cried and cried for days and tried to nurse me but did not make anything for my nourishment. I went from a 7 lb birth weight to a 3 lb weight at my first check up. Grandma heard about that, got a ride to Columbus and brought us both home to live with her and my PopPop and she fattened me up good! I won't tell you how hard it was to grow up being overweight....I did manage to get down to a size 12 when I got married but divorce packed the lbs on again. My current weight as I write this today is 234 lbs....not heavy enough for a gastric by pass but heavy enough for diabetes and to keep me from doing all the activities I'd like to do like hiking and biking...

So yeah I am fat, and as I tell myself each time I see a photo of myself that someone sneaked and took at an event I am ugly too. That's what I keep telling myself over and over and over again. I am envious of the pretty girls, the ones all the guys want. It hasn't changed since junior high either, always the same old story. Guys LOVED me for who I was but most of the time I wasn't the one they wanted to date. Looking back I think a lot more guys liked me that I ever noticed, and when I look at pictures of me younger when I thought I was so fat and so ugly I think what was I thinking I wasn't so ugly then, NOW I am ugly! LOL So needless to say I have gone to bed at night and said my prayers and many times what I said was I want to be pretty. It wasn't something that I prayed every night, just sometimes, particularly when I hosted yet another singles event and some guy I had my eye on ended up liking one of my friends instead.

Then one night a few weeks ago I was about to say my standard I want to be pretty after one of my trying moments and I stopped myself. I just heard my inner voice tell me to stop asking for that and I suddenly knew in my soul I had been asking for the wrong thing all along...........and so I re-centered and took a deep breath and said..........I want to FEEL pretty.  Yes that was it! It wouldn't matter how pretty I may or may not be unless I FELT pretty. This was my new prayer when I asked for help in that area of my life. I felt like I had turned a very important corner....and I have felt much better about myself.

Last night while sitting in a theater in NY watching the Broadway musical Beautiful with some friends I saw a whole bunch of lessons that I had missed before in the songs... I identified with Carole King in many ways...and watching that play and listening to her songs once again made me wish I had listened  closer back in the 70's, I could have saved myself decades of sadness..... But then again that was not my path, this one was and it got me where I needed to get eventually..... But let me tell you this...if you are reading this right now this is YOUR sign.....heed it now or take your time getting it......but do do get it. Carole did....

You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes, you will
That you're beautiful as you feel......


With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GE0TatKLHxo


Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Whitney Houston - Greatest Love Of All

The Greatest Love of All


Don’t look for Love, look for the one looking for Love.    Rumi

One can never "fall" in love, you must rise to it's level of consciousness. Love is not a feeling, it's a state of MIND!  ~ T.C. Carrier~

So I have been feeling better lately, more energy, more hope, less discontent. It's funny how when I really become aware of the darkness I am slipping into and I make up my mind that I truly don't want to go there how quickly I can pull myself out of it. At least most of the time anyway, on the times that I can't I figure there's a reason and I relax and I sit in it quietly, waiting for someone or something to come throw me a branch to get me out of the quicksand. And God always does... Like my good friend Wendy always taught me "what you resist persists". She is so right...

Anyway one Friday night I was down the shore at a bar with a whole bunch of meetup people. Someone had posted for us to come celebrate her birthday so a good sized crowd turned out. I contemplated posting one for my own birthday as it was a few days after hers but decided not to. I don't know which stopped me more, my dislike of crowds and attention on myself or my fear that few would show up. I recalled it had been a few years since any friend had gone out of their way to do anything for me, it was my friend Victor for my 50th, a shame we don't talk anymore.....but at any rate I never did post a celebration, maybe I will for my 55th....

Speaking of Victor, we still don't talk anymore, not since that big falling out over our business and also him pushing me too darn hard with his plans of how I should change my life. Part of it was good plain old caring but also a part of it was him being more controlling than he realized, it got to the point that I had to break away in order to hold onto me. We do have mutual facebook friends though and on occasion we will cross paths, one day getting into a talk on healthy diet, or other such things. I think the ice breaker for that was a few days before the same mutual friend had posted the healing health benefits of hugging and I recanted the story of the time my little voice asked me to hug my friend each time I saw him in a manner that our hearts would touch.He knew I was referring to him I am sure of it. Anyway this night he showed up at the event and I didn't feel any negative vibrations between us and I also noted that he had a girlfriend now, she looked rather sweet and he seemed reasonably attentive to her (not at all like how I remembered him to be with other women he had dated) and most of all I noted how thin she is. This was always very important to him and I was glad to see he had found what he wanted and at the same time I did not feel bad that I was NOT that thin. What progress! I wished I could go over and introduce myself to her, even maybe give her a spiritstone, but I didn't know if he was ready to talk to me or not so I left it be. I may have forgiven and forgetten but I do not know his heart.

I spent the remainder of the evening chatting up all my friends especially the ones who had come from my singles chat nights. We made plans to come again and they told me how they wished we had bracelets to identify the Single and Looking in NJ peeps from the rest. I told them my spiritual adviser had been telling me to get some and I promised then and there to take the financial risk and order some. It was a very good night and driving home later the song on the radio was The Greatest Love of All. As I belted it out at full voice in the car (something I would never dare dream of doing at Karaoke) I realized that I had finally finally finally learned to Love myself! I was happy being me and I was happy being single still for now and I had a pretty darn good life and I loved me just the way I am no matter who else did or did not!

The following week I went out to Karaoke, a KJ I knew was now in a town near me every other Tuesday and I looked forward to being able to go regularly. I asked my friend Edie to come over from Staten Island to eat dinner with me and I knew she loved to sing and was really really good too. She chose her songs and put them in for the KJ, first one was "Where the Boys Are" second one was "The Greatest Love of All". I told her the story of that song last week and she said good for me. She sang the first one and I felt it was a message for me: A smilin' face, a warm embrace, two arms to hold me tenderly, where the boys are someone waits for me....... I felt it to be true! Later in the evening she got up to do her second song, The Greatest Love of All, and she got up grabbed my hand and pulled me off the chair, reaching for a second mic from the KJ with her other and told me to sing NOW darn it! I took the mic and I started off slowly and then got really into it, matching her note for note even on the hardest ones! It felt soooooooooooo good too, I always wanted to sing I LOVE to sing but there was always someone there telling me I wasn't good enough, the loudest voice of course my own. Truth be told sometimes I was not, when fear chocked my voice or anxiety strangled my vocal cords into bad notes. In the car, in the shower, sure I could sing but not if anyone could possibly be listening. But not this night, not with a loving friend by my side. And when the song ended EVERYone was coming over and patting me on the back telling me how amazed they were, even Edie said she never expected that out of me and trust me this bad ass Italian NY-er she don't give praise unless she means it! I plan to go back there often and I plan to sing more often too and who knows maybe someday I will sing one alone.....

I am feeling much happier these days, I posted a few events, I ordered the bracelets, I found things to keep me buys and my mind off my lack of a man. I am fine without one and trust and not curse my lords timing on this. And most of all I did find my greatest love just like the song says--- I found it inside of me! So can you! Don't give up on your path! Don't give up on your great love! Start with YOU, what ways can you love yourself more today?

With Love and in the Light, Cassie


The Greatest Love of All

"Greatest Love Of All"I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

And if, by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love



Monday, September 2, 2013

Facing My Demon's

 
So here it is labor day weekend, the UN-official end of summer, a summer that has seemed to wisk by me and I got so little fun out of it this year. I never once rode my bike, I never once went to the beach... granted it did rain a lot and then it was very hot and humid but still even on the nicer days I spent my free time napping or laying around watching shows on Netflix. There's no way to explain it other that to admit it, I am depressed. Not clinically, not suicidal, not can't even function depressed as I have been in past times in my life but still I am depressed. And you know what depression is? It is anger turned inward. What am I angry at? Or who? Could it be myself? My choices? I am not sure but I need to figure it out and fix it this much I do know.

I am lonely too, not that I don't have friends and family but still I yearn for the intimacy that only a mate can bring. Yet still, I keep them all at arm's length or they also keep me at arms length. I can't tell you how many men contact me on these dating sites and then show interest and when I get to the well ok here's my number call me and we can meet for coffee they go *poof*. Happens to all my friends too so I know its' not me! LOL Or if they don't go poof I find something wrong with them and send them away. But anyway I let my desire for physical intimacy sink me to the lowest of lows...........those of you who read my first blog, Cassie's Path, can you guess? Yeah I wrote to Randy.

I had written to Miyuki for a reading, hoping she could shed some light on my path and what I should do next. She said she'd do it but it would take a few days as she had no internet where she is at the moment. So I had to wait. And the long weekend loomed ahead 4 days since I had my last summer Friday off too.... There were things my friends were doing that I could do, and plenty of other things I could do myself like yard work, beach walks, seashell collecting....but nothing would satisfy the aching I had, the need for human touch..... So I did it, I wrote him and asked if he needed some pokey, that perhaps "she" wasn't giving it to him and maybe she'd go back to letting me take care of that "dirty job" for her... I didn't hear back from him for 2 days and I was just breathing a sigh of relief when Sunday morning I got one that he had written late sat night.   I am n0t all0wed was all it said. I should have let that go but I never have been one to say too few words. LOL So I just said bummer, I just can't find the chemistry we had and I mentioned that Jeremy got a job near him. I thought that was the end of it but he wrote back later in the afternoon, Why can't u find guys so many 0n day web.  She got mad at me cause u posted l0ts o stuff about us it makes u look untrusting. I knew he meant untrustworthy and I told him she must have snooped on the net and found my old blog and that I used to wish she'd find it get mad and leave him but I no longer wished that. Again I said that I just don't like the chemistry with other guys  that I only had asked because again I thought she'd be greatful to not have to do it because she told me she was not mad at me before for us being together. But if he is not allowed then he is not allowed and not to worry about me. Yup she still don't appreciate me but is still always worked wat I'm doin . I have needs its like a fish that can't swim. She strange and
don't get it.
With that I realized I could probably talk him into it but it would be the same as always he don't want to loose the money or the kids or the freedom that comes with living with a woman who doesn't love you or want to spend time with you much. I had to make it good to get rid of him or he's start coming around and I'd give in to a repeat mistake. oh well i guess you we cant have everything, u got the home life you want but not enough pokey,  i can have the kind of man i want but i don't like the pokey         life is cruel but its for the best you dont want to do it with me myou must really love her to give up pokey for her     love is the most important thing there is, its worth giving everything else up for once ya find it. That shut him up.

It was shortly after that I got my reading from Miyuki. It was very accurate for what I knew to be true and very enlightening on what I need to work on, other than that though it wasn't good to me, a good reading but a hard to face message... but see for yourself the shortened version:

The first thing I'm getting from you is that you've been feeling really lonely and at a loss of what to do. Not just in love and company, but kind of in life in general. You don't feel like you've been feeling yourself lately and this may have been going on for a few months. There seems to be a sense of being really unhappy with yourself and the decisions that you have made that have brought you where you are. There almost is a sense of not wanting to even look at the past because you don't want to confront your feelings of resentment toward it, which leaves you with looking at the present which you're unhappy about and at the future which you're just plain unsure about. The thing about this is that you won't ever really be able to see where you're going without taking a good hard look at where you've come from. I know that sounds very cliche and stereotypical, and on one hand logically, doesn't make much sense. But the past gives us an idea of our emotional push, what makes us waver, and what trips our buttons.
On that note, it feels like a monster is in the closet...like there is one event or one series of events in particular that are being shoved away and have been possibly for years. Something that occurred to you when you were young, I feel a teenager of about 13-17. This is major....something that caused you to close off and view life differently. I'm getting a very strong impression that whatever this is, whether you feel you've moved past it or not, there is some lingering hurt there that needs to be acknowledged and if you dig deeply enough, you may find that it is the subconscious fuel for certain patterns that repeat and are currently affecting you emotionally. The way you've been feeling is caused by the simple fact that your subconscious is trying to get you to turn back and face the hard road you've come from and make peace with it. Sometimes we think of things and think they don't bother us, but they still manage to pop up in that nightmare or come out in our emotional interactions with others, affecting how we react to situations, and we can't see it unless we stop to ask ourselves why we do what we do. I'm not sure if you're familiar with The Shadow as in reference to the modern practice of "Core Shamanism" (it's like the Jungian shadow but slightly different in my opinion). That's what this seems to be, your shadow is ready to be confronted so that, passing from summer into the dark of the year, you can be like Persephone delving into the underworld, to reemerge into a beautiful new life once spring arrives. And it's all about reprogramming that view I talked about at the beginning of this paragraph. Some view you developed about yourself and others, changed. It's a feeling of something that you felt at the time was necessary, being ripped away, and you have been trying to replace it since. It's vital that you undo the view that developed due to whatever traumatic event this may have been.
I keep seeing the number 9...I feel like this refers to a metaphorical pregnancy...like it will be 9 months, beginning now, that you will be struggling with your subconscious before you emerge from it. So take fall and winter to really study and analyze yourself and figure out how your own behaviors developed. For everything we do as people, there are reasons behind our reasons. And the more you know, at any given moment, about why you are don't what you do, the more at peace you can be with yourself. I say this because I keep having a flash of you helping others...as though they are trying to show me that in helping, caring for, fussing over everyone else, you lost a vital relationship to yourself that is at the root of your loneliness. You know yourself, but your bond to yourself has worn away.
There are two things that are kind of vague to me. One is that I keep hearing "her father" and I don't know if this is because your father is deceased and has been trying to talk to you or if he is at the heart of what happened to you or what. So I'm not sure how to clarify that and that was the part of the reading that I wanted to try to get more answers on before I passed it along. I never did get more, so maybe you will understand why that would come up and it's not meant for me to know. The other is that I keep having an image of a park. It's surrounded by trees and there isn't really anybody there.  If that makes sense at all, I think you need to visit that park. It may be a symbolic image trying to say that you need to take some time for yourself, plan a daytrip and go alone or start taking time out at a park nearby and get in touch with nature, alone.
As far as love life, I'm really sorry. I'm not getting anything accept that I keep feeling you will meet someone that is already in your sphere of influence that you just managed to miss every time, but I think that sounds familiar like I've said that before, possibly during the last reading. The only difference is that I think you've already met this person, whereas I think previously I felt you hadn't. Other than that, I'm not really getting anything.

So there it was and for the most part I knew what she was talking about. Even though I had forgiven both my birth father and my step father the pain of them still hurt me, my distrust of men, my insecurities, my inherent belief that men would always fail to love me and let me down. No wonder I kept them at arms length, no wonder I always dated or yearned for men with a "trap door". You see my birth father never married my mother and instead went off to law school a few days before I was born, when I was 6 my mother married a man but I always felt like part of the package not what he really wanted. Then I went to college and my mom had promised me my whole life that my birth father would pay for it as promised and I even went to the town he lived in for school but he ignored us when we tried to contact him. The my step dad go religion and stopped drinking, my mother followed suit and so did I yet they judged my experiences and told me I was not a true christian. Anyway enough with all the whining, I just never had a strong loving my in my life. I need to heal all that if I am going to try to trust a man enough now to love him.

Miyuki recommended a book and some shamanic journeying.  I didn't like the idea of 9 months of inner work but hey time tables never did effect me I could do it quicker if I put my mind to it.... I went to locate the book online to order it and the cover looked familiar......I went to my book shelf and there it was! A book I had picked up a while ago but never got around to reading. We didn't even marvel at the synchronicity we just accepted it......time to face some demons and make them go *poof*!

What about you? Got any healing work that you need to do? So many of us are lonely and searching and not finding what we want out there, and while I realize the good ones are few and far between I got a wake up call for all of us. If you are single and lonely its YOUR fault! Not your mothers, not your fathers, not the jerk you were married to or all the out for sex only people on the dating sites its because you still need to heal something, you need to change something, you need to fix a button that hits a sore spot and makes you run and hide in the comfort of loneliness.What are you waiting for? I know I am getting to work on facing these demons!

With Love and in the Light, Cassie



I said what about my eyes
God said Keep them on the road.

I said what about my passion
God said Keep it burning.

I said what about my heart
God said Tell me what you hold inside it

I said pain and sorrow

He said… stay with it.
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.  
 ~Rumi~






Sunday, August 11, 2013

Little Girl Lost

On this path let the heart be your guide for the body is hesitant and full of fear.

Rumi
Last weekend I went to my college reunion and it like many reunions was a time of reflection on the journey,  a time to look back on days gone by and dreams once had and of course measures of success and failures....
Regrets? I had more than a few, but my biggest regret was that I was single and alone and apparently to my estimation had definitely made the wrong choice in a mate way back then. Not that I hadn't thought so a thousand times before this, but as I admired the couples who had met in college, married, raised families, lived in nice homes with white picket fences and drove nice SUV's and took real vacations to nice places and most of all loved and supported one another and were each others best friends all these years The point was driven home with crystal clarity, I had really missed out  and lost my chance for what I had always wanted. But still, it was a choice I made for myself, or rather a series of choices I made for myself that lead to my demise, the loss or my dream, the alternate reality that I had created for myself. And here I was 52 yrs old, 30 years later, and there was no one left to blame for this than me. Sure my childhood traumas and my verbally abusive, emotionally unavailable and narcissistic mother had lead me down a path of insecurity. A path that led me to an abusive, alcoholic, emotionally scarred husband, and then to a man-child of a boyfriend after my divorce who chose time and again to go off and play with the boys rather than spend time with me. But still, it was I who made those life choices, I had other options...
But I have done the healing and the energy work and the countless hours of therapy, I made peace with my mother before she died, forgave my husband after he went to jail and before he died and had set my boyfriend free to find someone more suited to his chosen man-child lifestyle, someone who would rather he go play then spend time with her. No, there really was no excuse anymore.... But yet here I was still alone, still afraid of the thing I crave the most still holding everyone at arms length and still freezing up if a guy I liked said anything remotely flirty to me. Case in point: back in college there was a guy who came to school that I had a crush on from the moment I laid eyes on him. One of my good guy friends had always tried to help us get together, and he did hang out with me a few times, till one night at an open dorm party we got really drunk and started making out and ended up in my bed. But when he wanted to take it further I stopped him, because I was scared, because I was still a virgin and I wasn't mentally ready for that yet. He took that as me not really liking him as he stayed a friend but never tried anything further, me I was too afraid to tell him I was a still a virgin as I was embarrassed about that. I held onto it till the ripe old age of 21! and only then did it on a dare but it was with the man I ended up marrying.
Anyway.....here we are at this reunion and he came around and talked to me quite a bit and was quick to inform me that he was divorced too. This made me happy and it got my mental wheels turning....and then...my stupidity reared its ugly head. He said something flirty to me, and I froze solid, didn't say anything didn't do anything just froze....and the moment passed. I've had this problem with men ever since I stopped drinking and smoking weed. I freeze up. I don't know why it's not like I was ever abused or mistreated or that I don't like physical intimacy. Heck I love physical intimacy so much that my drive has always been way more than my boyfriends. And its not like I have any moral code against it either, so long as the guy knows me enough to be a friend he can be my lover too if we both feel like it. But no I froze, and I felt like as ass and there was no recovering it either. Later in the evening he was sitting alone so I went over to talk but then some other woman came near him and I made a quick retreat. And who knows if he even meant anything by that comment, but the point of the matter was that I was acting more like a scarred little girl than the confident grown woman I thought that I was. It was upsetting and then some.....
I recalled too how I almost hadn't gone there, I was supposed to share a hotel room with my old sorority pledge sister, she was going to hang with a group that was headed by an old friend who was not speaking to me because of differing political beliefs. She had wanted to get me invited to "all the good parties" but he swore to cause a scene if I showed up and I know him well enough to know he certainly would and I said it was fine I didn't need to go and I meant it....then she suddenly remembered she couldn't sleep with someone who snores. I got testy and decided to not go at all. I was happy to have a staycation and not deal with the drama But then one of my old college friends called me and he and his wife insisted on driving to my place to get me and put my room on his credit card. I would have said no but I had been having dreams about going and that people were glad to see me, particularly this one guy and it turned out to be so. It was good to see people who loved and cared about me and good to hear some say good things about my ex-husband too. I didn't need to tell them what he had gone to jail for or how much he drank and abused me, I just told him he had died and I got loads of compassion and it felt respectable to me.
But anyway back to me, in talking to old friends one reminded me of this pot bellied teddy bear I had in college and how they used to tease me about it and kidnap it and dress it up. His name was whatever current crush I had and yes, on occasion, I was known to sleep with it. I wished for a moment I still had that teddy bear to cuddle but I digress.....one thing I did totally realize that despite everything I was still this frighted girl when it came to men and love. It made me recall what one of my friends had written about me when I had posted my homework assignment to facebook. I asked my friends to help describe the kind of man they thought I needed based on what they knew of me. This is what she said: 
This is what I know about Cassie.....Cassie needs a lot of attention emotionally, physically and spiritually. Cassie needs a communicator because Cassie likes to talk. Cassie needs someone emotionally evolved because she has very deep feelings and she doesn't hold a grudge when she feels safe. Cassie needs someone who doesn't take life too seriously because Cassie laughs at the irony of our experiences. Cassie needs someone who has strong shoulders on which she can depend because if Cassie says she is going to do something, she does it. Cassie needs someone who is very sentimental because Cassie is super duper out of this world sentimental. Cassie needs someone who is in touch with their child within because Cassie is a little girl in a woman's body. Cassie needs someone who can understand why she will cry at the drop of a pin and then start to laugh at herself. And lastly Cassie needs someone who understands destiny and a soul connection (but they can't be as far gone as Cassie and talk to twigs and stones). (Cassie is probably crying right now, that sentimental sappy little girl).
At the time I had agreed on all she said except for the part about be being a little girl in a woman's body. I had suffered much, I had been through many a trial, I had raised two sons alone and gotten through it all....but all my energy had been on survival. It was no wonder that the only man I had let in all these 15 yrs of singlehood since my divorce was a little boy living in a man's body. But even that had not satisified my yearnings for real lasting mature love....yep this small town girl really has lived in a lonely world, a lonely world of my own making, hiding out under the kitchen table waiting for someone to come find me and love me and tell me it's ok.
But that's not going to happen, that's not how life works. It's time for me to put on my big girl pants and be brave enough to set out to grow up, move on, quit being so frightened and be ready for what I've always wanted.........LOVE.
What about you? Are you up for the journey in your own life? What's stopping YOU?
With Love and in the Light, Cassie